Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Can't Hold Back the Vampires

I am slowly starting to realize that vampires are popular. No, really, they're like catnip! So it seems fitting to take advantage of this new trend by writing some vampire books.

Many of the tried and true vampires stories have been done to death. (Get it?) High school vampires struggling with angst and pimples, New Orleans vampires, Gothic vampires, steampunk vampires, and so on.

Clearly the solution is to go further. Vampires can be paired with anything, right? What about Boy Scout vampires -- call them campires. Where's Vlad going with that axe? Or an infestation of blood-drinking baseball players: The Vumpire Chronicles.

Not sassy enough? Yes, that's a criticism I often receive. That, and "not snarky enough." Well, here's the solution to both problems: Desperate Vampires. They don't just struggle with purse-dogs and Botox, but how to get blood by the quart.

More? Heck yeah I have more! Vampire cavemen: Cavampires and neander-vamps. Toddler vampires, doomed to remain pre-verbal, bloodthirsty toddlers forever in Kindervamp and Kindervamp II: Nap Time for Everybody.

Wait a second, I half-remember some sort of boarding-school-themed fantasy about a boy magician. What does it need? It needs more vampires. Teen Vamp. No, Freddie Figglebottom and the Vampires of Math Class.

Sometimes vampires go into space. They DO, okay? Inconveniently they usually try to eat all the science experiments. Coming soon: Vampronauts.

What about vampire animals? Oops, already been done. How about vampire plants? Wait, vampire stuffed animals! Mommy, why is Teddy drooling?

Or fairy tales: the Ugly Duckling doesn't grow into a beautiful swan, but a vampire swan, who then slaughters the arrogant ducks. "Ugly beat-th dead," he lisps around a mouthful of duck feathers.

By the way, do you know why all the Stormtroopers in the Star Wars movies had those sweet white outfits? So you couldn't see that they're all vampires! True story.

Somewhere a vampire is wishing he could read a book to take him away from his daily bloodthirstiness and angst and all-around awesomeness. But I will not write that book.

Everybody together, preferably in a Christopher Walken voice: what do we need? More vampires!


Babs said...

Heat getting to you?--you dehydrampire!

Anonymous said...

The sad thing is that in a publishing house boardroom somewhere, the CEO is reading over these ideas and saying, "Get someone on this, we've hit paydirt." Better write 'em quick!

S R Wood said...

Dehydrampire. I love it!

Anonymous said...

Sir, I am afraid you are forgetting about two of the deadliest variants of that kind. Beings heartless enough to drain away life from entire communities, townships, cities and much more. Beings for who, words like remorse, fear, kindness, love, duty, gratitude are just meaningless words. Powerful, bloodthirsty, mischievous, lurking beings that you can kill with a stick: lawyers and politicians.

S R Wood said...

Lawyers and politicians: THEY LIVE!

Sam said...

How about trampires- a sexy new thriller series on slutty tweens-a new younger version of desperate vampires...

Cristina S. said...

Kindervamp II: Nap Time for Everybody. I love it!

You might find it interesting to know that Toddler Harbat's favorite show is about a bunny dressed as a vampire. It's true: Max's Halloween. It's based on the series of books in which the bunny's grandmother also loves her vampire teeth and costume. She spent half an hour at the library today looking at Halloween books and yelling out "Vampire!".

Our house is never lacking in vampire books for adults and yet I don't think her preference was unduly influenced by me.