Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Professor Grindewald Q. Splinterbottom

Guten TAG! Wie gehts! Permit me to introduction myself. My name is Professor Grindewald Q. Splinterbottom and I am a professor of the maligned, refined, and misaligned science of woodcraft, called, by the Philistine, wood butchery.

Und I am here to tell you today about how we cut a scarph! Ja! This it is true.

Ein, we must construct a mechanism, a contraption if you will, that holds the aforementioned wood at a specific, necessary angle. Ja? Ja. This we call a scarphing jig.

Then we must attempt a trial of this "scarphing jig" Vat is this? The table saw binds and trips the fuse? Donner und Blitzen!

The second "scarphing jig" turns out to be ineluctably improved, ja? No more smoking wood!


Zvei, we must feed many, many long pieces of the wood into this "scarphing jig." Then we must reverse this "scarphing jig" so we are pulling wood through it. Ja. Pulling. Better.

Oops! You forgot to duck! You have been struck by a piece of wood! This is to be expected, especially when ze end of the long strip is trimmed off, touches the spinning saw blade, and is launched into ze air. You are wearing your goggles, are you not? I prefer welding googles because zey leave the most amusing rings around my ocular sockets afterward. Comedy!

Where was I? Ah, yes. Do not forget to stand to one side of the spinning blade.

Then you trim and trim and trim until the cows are coming home, making each piece of wood (ja?) ready to be scarphed to its mate.

Now zen. When I remember how to work the auto-photogram contraption I will take a picture to show to all of you. Until zen, study hard!

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