Thursday, January 28, 2010

Area Grouch Wonders What The Hell Is Wrong With Everything

Okay. I've tried to hold back but HOLY CRAP there is so just so much garbage out there. Lest I offend somebody I can't even list the types of books I find inane and insulting through mere fact of their existence. But rest assured they are out there, being bought and sold in numbers to make a banker cackle and to ensure the continued stupification -- stupefaction? Stupie-size me? -- of readers.

And another thing. How hard is to make loaves of sandwich bread in, I don't know, a factory, and have some semblance of quality control? You'd actually have to make an effort to come up with loaves of bread made with the same ingredients, at the same altitude, in the same conditions and by the same machinery, staffed by the same monolith-worshipping, super-orbital-ridge having, vestigial-tail-wagging, atavistic carnival rejects each time. But evidently that is beyond the ken of some of our best known bread companies, resulting in me occasionally getting an "off loaf" that's like chewing an old tire. That ran over a squirrel. And the squirrel is still mostly alive. And the tire is on fire. And I'm being crushed by a giant boulder.

Attention cats: next time you beg for food and then hide when I put the food on the floor, I will permit you to eat each other. Solve two problems right there.

Attention moon: enough with the rising and setting by 2AM. We both know that's total bullcrap. Set at 6AM so I can have some freaking light during my run.

Attention fridge: Do not run out of beer ever again or I will end you. With a hair dryer. Yes, I have that much patience, because I'll be drinking beer from a portable cooler.

To my left knee: Go ahead and act up again. You think I need you? What do you think Righty's for? What's that? What's that? Run only in circles without you? Tracks are round, jerkweed.

Attention television: What's the point of having five hundred channels when 499 are showing garbage and 1 is not available? I know where you're plugged in, so shape it up.

That is all.

2 comments:

Peter S said...

"And another thing!"
[breaks hand through window on door]

That is all.

Barbara said...

Bad Day? What's goin' on