Friday, May 21, 2010

Hey! What's your favorite planet?

Mine's the sun.

Rejected blog post ideas:

I have lost control of my eyebrows.

What if cookies grew on trees and you had to construct tomatoes and bananas in the kitchen? Hey you kids, get away from my tree, the cookies are almost done!

Cats: Nature's consolation prize.

The Dialectic Epistemologies of Funk, or, How I Escaped Academics and Gave Myself to the Music

"Donkey" is pronounced differently than "monkey." Why?

We all know that animals can't get much bigger because the physics of weight-bearing structures would, for example, cause a two-story ant to collapse. But how small could animals get? I would like a flock of moth-sized bats fluttering around me. Take notice, world. I await compliance.

Do deer scream?

What are Tootsie Rolls made out of and how can I convince myself they're all-natural?

Bending properties of scarphed fir.

"This boat is fully operational": would my boat sink if I launched it right now? It has no sides but is completely made of wood. Except for the 45 pounds of lead in the centerboard.

Speaking of the boat, why haven't I see any crickets in the shop? What in God's name is hunting them?

Imagine a world of sentient bats and stupid but powerful humans. The bats might have stories about the superhero Manbat, who has all the normal attributes of a bat but also some hominid superpowers (ability to walk on hind legs, burp on command) and features (nose, thumbs).

"Who are you?"
"I'm ... Manbat!"

5 comments:

Barbara said...

Hey--was' goin' on there at work? Now that Manbat is a little far out--except maybe the eyebrows out of control are worse. Why is it we grow hair where we don't want it and lose it where it could potentially improve our appearance? Who needs hair in their ears--maybe Manbats!

Kenneth said...

In Philly, "donkey" does rhyme with "monkey". It's a mark of a true city native.

Oh, and my fave planet is Pluto. It got sent back down to the minors. But I think it's scrappy.

I also like Nemesis, the theoretical gas giant out in the Oort cloud that uses gravity to throw civilization-ending comets and asteroids our way every few geological epochs.

S R Wood said...

What is this "Philly"? The tenth planet? Dey tawk weead theah.

Nemesis: the super-villain of the solar system. And a worthy opponent for Manbat!

Sam said...

Hay! Mine's the sun!
So one of our good friends is now the truckee town barber and he was telling us last night he was combing this guy's "bangs" which were being very unruly and then he noticed the guy's left eyebrow was extremely long and he was trying to comb it with the bangs. Our friend said "Oh!" and kind of lept backward and the customer said "don't cut that" and then muttered something about "..you work on growing something out for years and then it's gone in ten seconds with a pair of scissors". HAHAHA! Please don't grow your eyebrows long enough to be confused with your hair.

psoutowood said...

Ignore the haters--I think these are all fine blog topics. But I'm not a discriminating reader. I guess that's why my friends call me whiskers.